Common section

The Spiritual Diary

In this translation the system of punctuation adopted by Ignatius, and his division of very long sentences into somewhat disjointed (and hence often ambiguous) phrases, have been adapted to conform with English usage. The words printed in italics were underlined or separated in some way by Ignatius (e.g. by encircling lines) and then written out on a separate sheet (cf. 19 February with note 24). Double and single asterisks (** and *) replace signs in the manuscript which ‘seem to indicate that St Ignatius had some sort of vision’ (MHSI, p. 87, n. 5). The system of numbering, to which he seems to have given some importance, has been reproduced, despite its imperfections, at the head of each entry. Numerous words and phrases have been crossed out (but are still legible) in the autograph, and a fair sample of these are given in the notes.

PART I

Image Mass of Our Lady

Chapter 1st. Saturday [2 Feb. 1544] – Great devotion during mass, with tears, with increased trust in Our Lady, and more inclined both then and during the whole day to choose complete poverty.

Chapter 2nd. Sunday [3 Feb.] – The same; and more inclined both then and during the whole day to choose complete poverty.

Mass of Our Lady

Chapter 3rd. Monday [4 Feb.] – The same; also other feelings and a greater inclination to complete poverty; and at night a close drawing-near in affection to Our Lady with great confidence.

Mass of Our Lady

4th. Tuesday [5 Feb.] – Great devotion before, during and after mass, with tears so abundant that my eyes ached; I saw the Mother and Son ready and willing to intercede with the Father*; both then and during the day I was set on poverty and still more moved to it; in the afternoon it was as if I felt or saw that Our Lady was ready and willing to intercede.

Mass of Our Lady

5th. Wednesday [6 Feb.] – Devotion, not without tears, before and during mass, and more inclined to complete poverty. Later I realized with considerable clarity, or in a way differing from the usual, that to have some income would raise complications, and to have a complete income would cause scandal and help to tarnish the poverty so praised by God Our Lord.

Mass of the Trinity

6th. Thursday [7 Feb.] – Very great devotion and tears before mass; I felt throughout the day a warmth and a remarkable devotion, remaining myself ever more convinced and moved to poverty. While celebrating mass, I seemed to have easy access and felt, with much devotion, an interior impulse to implore the Father; it seemed to me that the two mediators had made supplication and I received some impression of seeing them.

Mass of the Holy Name of Jesus

7th. Friday [8 Feb.] – After experiencing remarkable devotion and tears while I prayed, from preparing for mass and during mass very great devotion, also tears; only at times could I retain the power of speech; resolution fixed on poverty. After mass, devotion not without tears, while I considered the choices in the election for an hour and a half or more. When I came to offer what seemed to me most reasonable, and to which my will felt most impelled viz. that no fixed income should be allowed, I desired to make this offering to the Father through the mediation and prayers of the Mother and Son. Firstly I prayed her to assist me before her Son and Father. Next I implored the Son that together with the Mother He might help me before the Father. Then I felt within me that I approached, or was taken before, the Father, and with this movement my hair rose and I felt what seemed a very remarkable burning in every part of my body, followed by tears and the most intense devotion**. Later when I read over what I had written and saw that it was well written, fresh devotion, not without water in my eyes**; and later still, when I remembered the graces received, a new experience of devotion.

In the afternoon I once more weighed up the choices for another hour and a half or more, and made the choice for complete poverty. At the same time I felt devotion and a certain elation, with great tranquillity and no opposing urge to possess anything; the desire to continue with the election, to the extent considered necessary a few days before, now seemed to be fading.

8th. Saturday [9 Feb.]1 – On reconsidering the choices in great tranquillity and devotion, it seemed perfectly clear that no income, either partial or adequate, should be allowed: nor did it seem worthwhile to consider further: I thought the matter was settled, I felt great tranquillity of mind, and I continued to be resolved on complete poverty.

Mass of the day

9th. Sunday [10 Feb.] – On reconsidering the choices, and on making the offering of complete poverty, I felt great devotion, not without tears: so also earlier during my customary prayer, before, during and after mass, considerable devotion and tears, my resolve ever fixed on complete poverty, and feeling tranquil in the offering that had been made. I had noticed great clarity in my reasonings and later with reference to the mediators, feelings, not without vision**.

At night, on considering the choice of a complete, a partial or no income, I offered up complete poverty and felt great devotion, interior peace and tranquillity of soul, and a certain security or assent that the election was well made.

Mass of the Holy Spirit

10th. Monday [11 Feb.] – During my customary prayer, without reconsidering the reasons for poverty, I offered it to God Our Lord or implored Him that the offering already made might be accepted by His Divine Majesty; I felt considerable devotion and tears. A little later I made a colloquy with the Holy Spirit, in preparation for saying His mass; I experienced the same devotion and tears, and seemed to see or feel Him in a dense clarity or in the colour of burning flame – a way quite strange to me – all of which confirmed me in my election**.

Later, in preparation for considering and going into the various choices, now my mind was made up, I took out the written pros and cons to consider them. I prayed to Our Lady, then to the Son, and to the Father, that He might give me his Spirit to assist me in my reasonings and to give me clarity of mind, even though I spoke of the matter as already settled. I felt considerable devotion and certain fairly clear-sighted intuitions. Thus I sat down considering almost in general whether the income should be complete, partial or not at all. Then I began to lose the desire to look into pros and cons and at the same moment I received new insights, viz. that the Son first sent his Apostles to preach in poverty, and later the Holy Spirit, by granting his spirit and his gift of tongues, confirmed them, and thus, since both Father and Son sent the Holy Spirit, all three Persons confirmed such a mission.

Then receiving greater devotion and losing all desire to consider the question any longer, with tears and sobs I made, on my knees, the offering of complete poverty to the Father; and so many were the tears running down my face, and such the sobs that I could hardly get up, so great was the devotion and grace that I was receiving. Finally I did rise though even then the devotion and the sobs continued. They came when I had formally ratified, endorsed, etc., the offering of complete poverty.

A little later as I was walking and remembering what had happened, a new interior impulse of devotion and tears**.

A little later, just before going out to say mass, while I prayed for a short while, I felt intense devotion and wept on feeling or seeing in some way the Holy Spirit – the question of the election being now answered2 – and I could neither see nor feel either of the other two Divine Persons in this way.

Later in chapel, before and during mass, great devotion and tears. Afterwards I felt great tranquillity and security of soul, like a tired man who takes a complete rest. I no longer sought or desired to seek for anything, considering the matter finished, except for thanksgiving, also out of devotion to the Father and to the mass of the Blessed Trinity which I had already proposed to say tomorrow, Tuesday.

ABOUT THE PERSONS WHO HID THEMSELVES3

Mass of the Trinity

11th. Tuesday4 [12 Feb.] – On awakening, I prayed and did not cease to give thanks most earnestly to God Our Lord, in the midst of intuitions and tears, for the great benefit and clarity conceded me, so great as to be inexplicable. On rising, the interior warmth and devotion I had experienced continued. When I called to mind the great good I had received, I was moved by new and growing devotion and the impulse to weep; also on walking to Don Francisco,5 and while with him; and on returning I did not lose the warmth and intense love.6

Mass of Our Lady

12th. Wednesday7 [13 Feb.] – I knew that I was gravely at fault in having left the Divine Persons on the previous day during the thanksgiving: I wanted to abstain from saying the mass of the Trinity that I had thought of saying, and take as my intercessors the Mother and Son, that my fault might be forgiven me and I myself restored to my former grace; I would keep away from the Divine Persons and so not apply immediately to them for the former graces and offerings: I would not say their masses all that week, mortifying myself by thus absenting myself. Then I experienced very great devotion, and many most intense tears, not only during prayer but while I vested; I sobbed and as I could feel the Mother and Son to be interceding for me, I felt a complete security that the Eternal Father would restore me to my former state. Later, before, during and after mass, greatly increased devotion and a great abundance of tears: I saw and felt the mediators: I was most sure I would regain what was lost. During all these periods, both on Wednesday and Thursday,8 I considered the offering as fully made and could see no objection to it.

Mass of the Holy Name of Jesus

13. Thursday9 [14 Feb.] – During the usual prayer, great devotion and an exaltation of mind, remarkable tranquillity; I did not see the mediators in the same way. When I prepared to leave the room, not without tears and interior impulses. Then before, during and after mass, very copious tears, devotion, great sobs – so great that often I could not keep the power of speech for long before losing it again – many spiritual intuitions; finding easy access to the Father when I spoke his name, as the mass names Him, and a great security or hope that I would regain what was lost, feeling the Son very ready to intercede, and the Saints; I cannot describe how I saw them as I cannot explain anything else of what happened. No doubts about the first offering that was made, etc.

Mass of Our Lady in the Temple. Simeon10

14. Friday [15 Feb.] – During my first prayer, when I named the Eternal Father etc., there came a feeling of interior sweetness that continued, not without an impulse to weep: later considerable devotion, and, towards the end, much greater still; no mediators or persons revealed themselves. Next on preparing to leave for mass, as I began to pray, I could feel, and was shown, Our Lady, also how great had been my fault the previous day: I felt moved within and wept, for I seemed to be putting Our Lady to shame in having her intercede for me so often, because of my many failings. So much so that Our Lady hid from me and I found no devotion in her or higher than her. A little later, when I sought to go higher, as I could not find Our Lady, a mighty impulse to weep and sob gripped me and I seemed to see or feel that the Heavenly Father showed Himself propitious and kind – to the point of making clear to me that he would be pleased if Our Lady, whom I could not see, would intercede. While preparing the altar, after I had vested, and during mass, I experienced great interior impulses and wept very copiously and intensely, sobbing violently. Often I could not speak. The same continued after mass. During much of this time, before, during and after mass, I felt and saw clearly that Our Lady was very propitious, pleading before the Father. Indeed during the prayers to the Father and the Son, and at His consecration, I could not but feel or see her, as though she were part or rather portal of the great grace that I could feel in my spirit. (At the consecration she showed that her own flesh was in that of her Son)11 with so many intuitions that they could not be written. No doubts about the first offering that was made.

Mass of the Holy Name of Jesus

15th. Saturday [16 Feb.] – During the customary prayer, I had no feeling of the mediators; no coldness or tepidity; I had considerable devotion.12 When I wanted to prepare for mass, I was doubtful to whom I should commend myself first and how to do so. Still in doubt, I knelt down wondering where I would begin: then I thought the Father was revealing Himself most and drawing me to his mercies. I felt Him more friendly towards me and myself better disposed to implore what I desired (I felt unable to adapt myself to the mediators). This feeling or vision grew; I wept most copiously, the tears streaming down my face, and felt great trust in the Father, as if the exile I had, been under were being lifted. Later I went to mass, prepared the altar, vested and began the mass; all this time many intense tears. I felt drawn towards the Father, to whose honour I directed the things of the Son: I experienced insights into many notable things, that caused delight and were very spiritual. After mass I spent an hour considering one set of election reasons, paying attention to the point raised, and also to the income already granted:13 it seemed to me that such things were so many knots and bonds contrived by the enemy: with great tranquillity and peace I made the election and the offering to the Father of not possessing anything even for the church; I did the same in turn with the other set of election reasons – all this not without an interior impulse and tears.

At night I took out the notes to review and draw up reasons for the possible choices. I had been at fault during the day and began to hesitate if I should proceed further without delaying the election as before.14 Finally I decided to continue as usual, though still doubtful to whom I would commend myself first. I felt a certain shame, or indefinable feeling, before the Mother. Finally, having first examined my conscience for all that day and begged pardon, etc, I felt the Father was very propitious, without my being able to adapt to the mediators; and some tears came.

Later, with this same warmth, I implored grace to reason with His spirit and to be moved by that spirit. Before I rose, it seemed to me pointless to reconsider the election – and at that the tears so overwhelm me and I feel such intense devotion, sobs and spiritual gifts, I am moved for a while to make my offering of complete poverty in our churches and no longer wish to prolong the matter, except for two days in which to give thanks and repeat the same offering, or a more formal one. I do so with an excess of tears, with warmth and interior devotion. The same state continued afterwards and I thought I could not rise: instead I wanted to stay there with that internal visitation.

A little later the thought came to me that during those other two days I could reconsider the choices, and that I did not seem to have decided against this. It upset me and diminished the intensity of my devotion: I wanted to put it aside. At last I rose from my knees and sitting down made an election on the matter: I called to mind some spiritual considerations. I began to weep a little and, judging the thought to be a temptation, I went down on my knees and offered to stop all consideration of elections on that point: but I would take the two days, viz. until Monday, saying mass in thanksgiving and repeating the offering.

While I made this offering and oblation, once more the tears were of such a kind and so copious, the sobs so violent and the spiritual gifts so great, that after I had made it – to the Father in the presence of Our Lady, the Angels, etc – as the tears etc. continued, I felt no desire to rise but on the contrary longed to continue in that state which I was experiencing so intensely. Then at last, feeling a very great satisfaction, I rose, devotion and tears continuing all the while, with firm resolve to fulfil the oblation and all that had been offered.

16. Sunday [17 Feb.] – During the customary prayer, I could feel no mediators or any other persons. I was coming to the end.15 I felt considerable relish and warmth. From the middle onwards, the tears were very copious, accompanied by warmth and interior relish; no intuitions; I considered the matter ended and it seemed to me to be acceptable to God Our Lord. When I rose and turned to the preparation before mass, I thanked His Divine Majesty and offered Him the oblation already made. Neither devotion nor the impulse to weep was lacking. On going out to mass, preparing the altar, vesting and beginning mass, considerable tears: very intense and copious during mass, and such that very often I could not speak, especially during the whole of the long epistle of St Paul, which begins, ‘Libenter suffertis insipientes’;16 I felt no flashes of understanding or of distinctions, nor was I conscious in any way of any persons; my love was most intense and accompanied by warmth and great relish in divine things; my soul’s satisfaction increased greatly. After mass, in the chapel, and later while I knelt in my room, when I wished to give thanks for so many gifts and graces received, I lost all desire to remake offerings of the oblation made (although I was ever doing so, and not without devotion), considering the matter as settled; on the other hand, I felt drawn by the devotion I experienced to stay there enjoying the feeling. Later I wondered whether to go out or not and decided with great peace in the affirmative; thereupon I felt special interior impulses and I wept. Although it seemed to me that I could have spent more time in tears, I rose, still weeping and with my soul very satisfied, and set out having decided to complete the matter tomorrow, before dinner-time at the latest – with thanksgiving, petition for strength, and a repetition of the offering already made out of devotion for the Blessed Trinity, celebrating the mass in their honour.

Mass of the Trinity and End17

17. Monday [18 Feb.] – Last night, a little before retiring to bed, I felt some warmth, devotion and great trust that I would find the Divine Persons or grace in them now that I was coming to the end. After I had gone to bed, I had special consolation in thinking of Them, I was on fire18 for the exultation in my soul. Later I slept. I awoke next morning a little before daybreak and then afterwards felt heavy-hearted and bereft of all spiritual things. While I made the customary prayer, I remained during the first half with little or no relish,19 and moreover an uncertainty if I would find grace in the Blessed Trinity, until eventually I renewed my prayer once more, when I think I made it with considerable devotion, and towards the end with great pleasure and spiritual relish.

Later I decided to rise and thought of delaying the dinner hour and taking measures to ensure that I should not be disturbed until I had found the grace desired; I then felt new warmth and a devotion that made me weep. While dressing I thought of abstaining for three days in order to find what I desired. When the realization dawned on me that even this thought was from God, new strength, warmth and spiritual devotion filled me, impelling me ever more to weep. A little later I wondered where I should begin and it occurred to me that it might be with all the Saints, putting my cause in their hands, so that they might pray to Our Lady and her Son to be intercessors on my behalf before the Blessed Trinity. With great devotion and intensity of feeling, I felt my face streaming with tears; in this state I went for confirmation of the past offerings, including many things in my colloquy – beseeching and nominating as intercessors on my behalf the Angels, the holy Fathers,20 the Apostles and Disciples and all the Saints etc., that they might plead to Our Lady and her Son: then I started once more to beseech and implore Our Lady and her Son with long reasonings that my concluded confirmation and my thanksgiving might rise before the throne of the Blessed Trinity. During all this and from then onwards, a great flood of tears, many impulses and interior sobs: it seemed moreover as if each vein and part of my body was making itself sensibly felt. Before their entire Heavenly Court I made the concluded confirmation of my offering to the Blessed Trinity, giving thanks with great and intense affection, first to the Divine Persons, then to Our Lady and her Son, then passing through the Angels, the holy Fathers, the Apostles, Disciples, to all the Saints, men and women, and to all persons who had helped me to do this.

Image

Later21 while I prepared the altar and vested, there came to me: ‘Eternal Father, confirm me’; ‘Eternal Son, confirm me’; ‘Eternal Holy Spirit, confirm me’; ‘Holy Trinity, confirm me’; ‘My One Sole God, confirm me’. I repeated this many times with great force, devotion and tears, and very deeply did I feel it. And when I asked once, ‘Eternal Father, will you not confirm me?’ I knew He would: so also with Son and Holy Spirit. While saying mass, I was not weeping, yet not entirely without tears, feeling a certain warm devotion, ruby-red as it were; also many little gasps full of considerable devotion. At times however these things were not felt to any great extent and then the thought came to me, pricking and preventing devotion, that my tears were not so copious and abundant: moved by it I decided not to rest content seeing that confirmation had not been granted in this last mass of the Trinity. After mass I quietened down, comparing my own worth with the wisdom and greatness of God. I continued for some hours until the thought came to me that I should not trouble to say more masses – I felt angry with the Blessed Trinity; I had no desire to prolong the deliberation into the future; I considered that the decision already reached was final, although some slight doubt still occurred. I felt devotion all day: however, it was beset in some slight way, and seemed fearful of erring in anything.

18. Tuesday22 [19 Feb.] Mass of the Trinity. No. 1. – Last night on going to bed I thought over what masses to celebrate or how. When I awoke in the morning, I began an examination of conscience; then and during prayer, I wept much, the tears streaming down my face. A very intense devotion lasted for a while, I had many intuitions or spiritual reminders of the Blessed Trinity. I was at peace and felt such great exultation that there was a pressure in my lungs23 for the intense love I was experiencing in the Blessed Trinity. At this I gained confidence and decided to say the mass of the Blessed Trinity in order to decide later what should be done. The same thought while I dressed, and more intuitions of the Blessed Trinity. I was not without tears on rising and while I prayed for a short while. Later I felt devotion and spiritual confidence: I would say in succession six or more masses of the Blessed Trinity.

When I went to mass, I was not without tears before it; many tears, coming very peacefully, during mass. I had very many intuitions about the Blessed Trinity, my understanding being enlightened with them to such an extent that it seemed to me that with hard study I would not have known so much. Later when I considered the matter further, I knew that what I had then understood feeling and seeing I could not have learnt in a whole life of study.24 While I prayed for a short while after mass, I found myself saying, ‘Eternal Father, confirm me; Son, etc. confirm me’. The tears came pouring from my eyes, and I felt ever more decided to persevere with their masses (agreeing to however many in number they might order): many violent sobs: I drew much closer, more and more secure in my increased love for their Divine Majesty. In general the intuitions during and before mass were concerned with the appropriation25 in the mass prayers when mention is made of God, of the Father, or of the Son, etc, with the operations of the Divine Persons, and with the production of the Persons – in all this, I felt and saw rather than understood. All these things confirmed what had been done and I felt encouraged for the future.

Today, even when walking in the city, I felt great interior joy, and on seeing three rational creatures together, or three animals, or three other things, the Blessed Trinity was brought before me: and so continuously.

Mass of the Trinity. No. 2

19. Wednesday [20 Feb.] – Before beginning my prayer I had a devout eagerness to commence. Once I had started, my devotion was very great, warm or bright and gentle. There were no intuitions but a tendency to security of soul, without reference to any of the Divine Persons. Later I felt confirmed about the past by the knowledge that the earlier spirit had been evil, the one that had wanted to make me have doubts and feel anger with the Blessed Trinity, as is described in chapter 17. On receiving the knowledge, I felt anew an interior impulse to weep: the same happened after, before and during mass. My devotion was greatly increased, quiet and tranquil; I wept and had some intuitions.

Both before and after mass I had the feeling or impression that I should proceed no further – or the urge to do so left me. Later this was more marked when I experienced such great quiet and satisfaction in my soul. It seemed to me pointless to continue with masses to the Blessed Trinity, except for the sake of thanksgiving or of fulfilment: I had no need for confirmation of what had happened.

Mass of the Trinity. No. 3

20. Thursday [21 Feb.] – Very great and quite continuous devotion throughout the period of prayer – warm clarity and spiritual enjoyment; also I felt drawn partly to rise in some way. Later when I prepared in my room, when at the altar and while I vested, I had more interior, spiritual impulses and felt moved to weep. After mass I remained in great spiritual repose. During mass the tears were more copious than the previous day and lasted continuously. Occasionally my power of speech was cut off. Once, or perhaps a few times, I felt spiritual intuitions so great that I seemed to understand that almost nothing more could be known on the subject of the Blessed Trinity. And this was due to the following: before, when I wanted to obtain devotion in the Blessed Trinity, I had not desired nor adapted myself to seek for it or find it when saying prayers to the Father, for I thought consolation and visitation in the Blessed Trinity would not occur then: but during this mass I knew or felt or saw, ‘God knows’26 that on speaking to the Father and seeing that He was One Person of the Blessed Trinity, I felt moved to love all the Trinity, especially as the other Persons were all in the Trinity by their very essence: the same feeling when I prayed to the Son and to the Holy Spirit; when I felt consolation I was delighted with any one of them, and I rejoiced in acknowledging it as coming from all three. So great an achievement did it seem to have untied this knot or accomplished something similar, that I could not stop repeating to myself, with reference to myself, ‘Who are you? From where? etc. What did you deserve? Why this? etc’

Mass of the Trinity. No. 4

21. Friday [22 Feb.] – Throughout the customary prayer I was helped by great grace – it was warm and shone in some way – and felt much devotion. For my part I sometimes felt I should have no difficulty in discontinuing; yet I continued to be helped by great grace. Later when I prepared the altar, some impulses to weep: I kept repeating, ‘I am not worthy to invoke the name of the Blessed Trinity’. This thought, and the repetition of the phrase, caused greater interior devotion. When I vested, turning over these and other considerations, my soul opened more to tears and sobs. I began mass and reached the Gospel27 which I said with considerable devotion; I was being helped by a warm grace which later battled like fire with water against some thoughts.28

Mass of the Trinity. No. 5

22. Saturday [23 Feb.] – During the customary prayer, at first nothing; from half-way through I found considerable devotion and satisfaction of soul together with some indication of shining clarity. While I prepared the altar, Jesus came into my thoughts and I felt impelled to follow Him, for to my mind it seemed that since He was the head of the Society [Confirmation of Jesus29], He was a greater argument for having complete poverty than all other human reasons, although all the other reasons that had been used in the election seemed to me to reinforce the same conclusion. This thought impelled devotion, tears, and the firm certainty that even if no tears came during this mass, or during other masses, this conviction would suffice amid temptations and tribulations to make me stand firm. I continued walking with these thoughts and vested: they increased ever more, appearing to be a confirmation of what I had done, even if I received no consolations on this point. It seemed in some way to be from the Blessed Trinity that Jesus was shown or felt, and I remembered the time when the Father put me with the Son.30 When I had finished vesting, so set was my intention that the name of Jesus impress itself on me, so encouraged was I, and such a confirmation did I seem to receive for what lay ahead, that the tears and sobs came with new force. At the beginning of mass, I was helped by great grace and devotion, and wept peacefully throughout; even when I had finished, a great devotion and new impulses to weep continued until I had unvested. During mass, there were several feelings in confirmation of what has been said: when I held the Blessed Sacrament in my hands, I was impelled to speak and felt intensely moved from within; that I would never leave Him, not for all Heaven or earth or …: then new impulses, devotion and spiritual joy. For my part I added the offering of what lay in my power and this last restriction referred to my companions who had signed.31 Later, whenever I remembered Jesus during the day or whenever I was reminded of Him, I could in a certain way feel or see with my understanding; the devotion and confirmation continued all the while.

Mass of the day

23. Sunday [24 Feb.] – During the customary prayer, from the beginning to the end inclusive, I was helped by grace very far inside and gentle, full of devotion, warm and very sweet. While preparing the altar and vesting, the name of Jesus was shown me: I felt great love, confirmation and an increased resolve to follow Him: I wept and sobbed. Throughout mass, very great devotion and many tears so that quite often I lost the power of speech; all the devotion and feelings had Jesus as their object [Confirmation of Jesus32]. I could not turn myself to the other Persons, except in so far as the First Person was Father of such a Son: then I began to exclaim spiritually, ‘How He is Father, and how He is Son!’ During the prayer after mass I had the same feeling towards the Son. I had desired the confirmation by the Blessed Trinity, and now I felt it was communicated to me through Jesus. He showed Himself to me and gave me great interior strength and a sense of security that the confirmation was granted. I did not fear for the future. So it occurred to me, and I at once complied, to pray to Jesus to obtain pardon for me from the Blessed Trinity. I felt an increase of devotion, tears and sobs, and the hope of obtaining the grace – for I was quite resolute and strengthened for the future. Later, when I moved nearer to the fire,33 I once more was shown Jesus and felt great devotion and the impulse to weep. Later when I walked in the street, I was shown Him and felt very great impulses with tears. After I had spoken to Carpi,34 on my way back, the same happened and I felt great devotion. After the mid-day meal, especially after I passed through the door of the Vicar Bishop,35 in the house of Trani,36 I felt or saw Jesus, and experienced great interior impulses and wept much. I begged and implored Jesus to obtain my pardon from the Blessed Trinity: I found there remained with me great confidence for the success of my prayer. On these occasions my love was so great, I so felt and saw Jesus, that it seemed that nothing could happen in the future capable of separating me from Him or of making me doubt about the graces and confirmation that I had received.

Mass of St Matthias

24. Monday [25 Feb.] – Quite great devotion during the first period of prayer: more later with warmth and abundant grace to assist me, although for my part, and owing to some impediments that I felt because of others, I found no difficulty in discontinuing: I asked for and sought no confirmation, but desired to be reconciled with the three Divine Persons. Later, vested to say mass, I did not know to whom I should commend myself, or how to begin: the thought comes ‘While Jesus is com municating with me, I want to go forward’; and then I began the Confiteor, ‘Confiteor Deo’, just as Jesus, in the Gospel for the day, said ‘Confiteor tibi etc.’37 At that point, and later during the Confiteor, I felt new devotion not without the impulse to weep. I began the mass [i.e. the Proper] with great devotion, warmth and tears, at times losing the power of speech. During the prayers to the Father, it seemed that Jesus was presenting them, or accompanied those that I was saying, before the Father: and I felt or saw in a way that cannot be explained in those terms.

After mass, I had the desire to be reconciled with the Blessed Trinity and I implored Jesus for this, not without tears and sobs. I felt reassured and neither asked for confirmation nor felt the need for it, nor the need to say masses for this end – but only to be reconciled.

Mass of the Trinity. No. 6

25. Tuesday [26 Feb.] – During the first period of prayer I was not disturbed and did not discontinue: I had considerable devotion that became much greater half-way through. However during all this period, especially in the first part, I felt some weakness or bodily indisposition.

Once dressed, while I was in my room and made my preparation, I experienced new devotion and interior impulses to weep when I remembered Jesus: I felt great confidence in Him and He seemed ready to intercede for me. I no longer desired nor sought more or greater signs of confirmation of what was past. I felt quiet and peaceful on that score. Now I begged and implored Jesus to conform my will with that of the Blessed Trinity to follow the way that would seem to him best. Later, when I vested, I was shown increasingly the help and love of Jesus. On beginning mass, not without a great, quiet and peaceful devotion: also a very slight form of weeping – I thought that with less I was more satisfied and content: in that way I felt I was being ruled by the Divine Majesty, to whom it belongs to give and withdraw His graces as and when it is most convenient. Later when I moved near to the fire, still with this form of weeping, my contentment grew and I felt a new interior impulse and love towards Jesus. I no longer had that strife38 that had been present in me about the Blessed Trinity. So also during mass I continued to feel considerable devotion in the Trinity.

Mass for the first day in Lent

26. Wednesday [27 Feb.] – During the customary prayer I did quite well and all was as usual until half-way through: then a marked improvement – great devotion, quiet and spiritual gentleness – until the end inclusive. Afterwards there remained in me a continuing devotion. I made my preparation in my room and commended myself to Jesus, not asking for any further confirmation, but that, before the Blessed Trinity, He might do his best service,39 etc, on my behalf, in the way that would be most suitable; that I might find myself in their grace. At that, I received some light and strength: I entered the chapel and while praying felt, or to put it more exactly, I saw, not by natural power, the Blessed Trinity and also Jesus who was representing me, or placing me before the Trinity or acting as mediator close to the Blessed Trinity, that I might communicate in that intellectual vision. On feeling and seeing in this way I was covered in tears and love, but with Jesus as the object; and toward the Blessed Trinity, a respect of submission more like a reverential love than anything else. Later I felt in a similar way that Jesus was performing the same task when I thought of praying to the Father, for it seemed and I could feel within me that He was doing everything before the Father and the Blessed Trinity. Many tears when I began mass; and much devotion and more tears all through it. Similarly at one stage I saw in a remarkable way the same vision of the Blessed Trinity as before, while my love towards the Divine Majesty grew even greater; at times there was a tendency to lose my power of speech. After mass, during prayer, and several times later when near the fire, a great intense devotion directed towards Jesus: some special interior impulses to weep, or still further.

When I write this, my understanding feels drawn to see the Blessed Trinity, and appears to see, although not distinctly as before, three Persons. During mass when I said the prayer that begins, ‘Domine Jesu Christe, Fili Dei vivi’ etc,40 it seemed to me in spirit that whereas before I had seen Jesus, as I said, then what I saw was white,41 that is His humanity, on this occasion my feeling in my soul was different, i.e. I was aware not of the humanity alone, but of Jesus as being completely my God etc. with a fresh rush of tears and great devotion etc.

Mass of the Trinity. No. 7

27. Thursday [28 Feb.] – Great devotion during the customary prayer: helped by great grace, full of warmth, light and love. On entering the chapel, new devotion: when I knelt, Jesus was disclosed to me … or I saw him … at the foot of the Blessed Trinity: at that, new impulses and tears. This vision did not last as long, nor was it as clear as that of Wednesday although it seemed of the same type. Later during mass, tears, considerable devotion and some helpful feelings. After mass, not without some tears.

Mass of the Five Wounds42

28. Friday [29 Feb.] – Very great devotion, very full of light, from the beginning to the end inclusive of the customary prayer: it covered and did not allow me to think of sins. When out of the house, in the church,43 before mass, I caught sight of the homeland of Heaven or the Lord of it, in so far as I understood the three Persons and how within the Father were the second and third. During mass, I felt at times considerable devotion without intuitions or any impulses to weep. When I had finished, another similar sight of the homeland or of the Lord of it, not in a distinct way but quite clearly, as is customary on many other occasions, now more now less. Special devotion during the whole day.

Mass of the Feria

29. Saturday [1 Mar.] – During the customary prayer, greatly helped by grace; devotion during it. When I said mass outside, considerable quiet and devotion during mass: until midday, some impulses to weep, and great satisfaction of soul; from then onwards, pulled in both directions.44

Mass of the day, 1st Sunday in Lent

30. Sunday [2 Mar.] – During the customary prayer, greatly helped by grace; great devotion in which some clarity and warmth were mingled. Later, when I left my room on hearing a noise, and also when I returned, for some reason I felt put out; either I was struggling with thoughts of the noise, or impeded: so much so that, after I had vested, I thought of not celebrating mass. However, I overcame that suggestion; I had no desire to give any of the others an occasion for talking with anyone: I had some feelings of Christ tempted45 and, taking courage, began mass with considerable devotion. And as it proceeded, I felt much helped by a certain grace that I felt I was receiving. Several times, and nearly continuously during the second part of the mass, I could feel tears within me. I finished without any new intuitions, except that towards the end, during the prayer to the Blessed Trinity46 I felt a certain impulse, devotion, tears and a certain feeling of love that drew me towards the Trinity: no bitterness remained over what was past, but great quiet and peace.

Later, when at prayer after mass, more interior impulses, sobs and tears, all for love of Jesus: words came and I desired to the with Him rather than live with anyone else. I felt no fear but found a certain confidence in, and love for, the Blessed Trinity. When I wanted to recommend myself to their protection, as to distinct Persons, I could not find them but seemed to feel something within the Father, as if the other Persons were in Him. At this time, after mass, it seemed to me best that immediately after the masses to the Blessed Trinity, or the first time that I received a divine visitation, I should finish this part. I realized that it was not I who should stipulate the time for finishing and receive a visitation then, but either then or whenever the Divine Majesty thought fit and communicated such a visitation.

Mass of the Trinity. No. 8

31. Monday [3 Mar.] – During the customary prayer, at about 4.30 a.m.,47 considerable devotion, not moved or troubled; but my head ached – so much so that I dared not rise to say mass until I had had another spell of sleep. Later, when I rose at about 8.30 a.m., I felt quite dull-witted, feeling neither good nor bad, and not knowing to whom I should commend myself. At length, when I began the preparatory prayer in my room, I felt more moved towards Jesus. During prayer I experienced some slight impulses of devotion and the urge to weep, my soul satisfied and very confident in Jesus; I felt drawn to have trust in the Blessed Trinity. Thus I entered the chapel and was covered by a great devotion in the Blessed Trinity; my love was much increased and I had intense tears. Unlike the past few days I did not see distinct Persons, but had the feeling of one essence, perceived in a sort of shining clarity: it drew me wholly to love it. Later when I prepared the altar and vested, considerable devotion and tears continued, always helped by grace and with great satisfaction of soul. At the beginning of mass, such was the devotion that I could not begin and found great difficulty in saying ‘In nomine Patris etc’ Throughout mass, great love and devotion, and very many tears: this devotion and love had for their object the Blessed Trinity. I had no special knowledge or separate visions of the three Persons but a simple awareness or a representation of the Blessed Trinity. Also I occasionally had the same sensations with Jesus for their object: I seemed to be under His shadow as though He were my guide – but without diminution in the grace I was receiving from the Blessed Trinity; on the contrary I seemed to be more united with the Divine Majesty. During the prayers to the Father, I was unable, and felt no desire, to find devotion, except the few times that the Persons made themselves seen in Him. In this way, everything, either mediately or immediately, transformed itself into the Blessed Trinity.

When mass was over and I had unvested, my love was very intense, accompanied by sobs and tears: Jesus was its object, and then as a consequence, the Blessed Trinity: I felt a certain reverent submission. I thought that were it not for the devotion of the masses still to be said, I felt satisfied. At the same time, I had full confidence that I would find ever increasing grace, love and greater repletion in the Divine Majesty.

Mass of the Trinity. No. 9

32. Tuesday [4 Mar.] – During the customary prayer, much helped by grace and devotion: if there was clarity, there was even more light,48 and evidence of some warmth. For my part I found it all too easy to attend to any and every thought. I rose still helped by that grace. When dressed, I looked at the Introit49 of the mass and felt all moved by great devotion and love directed towards the Blessed Trinity. Later, when I began the preparatory prayer before mass, I did not know to whom I should turn: first I attended to Jesus, and felt that He was not allowing Himself to be seen or felt clearly but in some sort of shadowy way difficult to see. Then as I attended, I felt that the Blessed Trinity allowed itself to be seen or felt more clearly or full of light. I began, and reasoned for a while with the Divine Majesty. Suddenly the tears streamed down my face, I broke into sobs, and felt a love so intense that it seemed to unite me excessively close to Their own love, a thing full of light and sweetness. That intense visitation and love seemed quite remarkable and to surpass other visitations. Later when I entered the chapel, new devotion and tears, always directed to the Blessed Trinity: similarly at the altar. Once vested, a far greater flood of tears, more sobs, and the most intense love, all for love of the Blessed Trinity. When I wanted to begin the mass, I felt very great touches and intense devotion to the Blessed Trinity. Once the mass had started, the devotion was so great and the tears so numerous that, as it proceeded, I began to wonder if with more masses I should not become blind in one eye, for it was aching badly owing to the tears: and I thought it would be better to keep my sight, or etc. The tears ceased, although greatly helped by grace; later, however, during the greater part of the mass, this help grew less, and because of the talking in the room etc. Later, almost at the end, I turned to Jesus and recovered some of what had been lost. When I said in prayer: ‘Placeat tibi Sancta Trinitas’ etc,50 directing it to the Divine Majesty, I felt an excess of love; intense tears streamed down my face. Thus whenever during this mass or before it I had special spiritual visitations, all had for their object the Blessed Trinity, which took and drew me to its love. After mass I unvested, and while at prayer before the altar, I broke into such sobs and flood of tears, all directed to love of the Blessed Trinity, that I seemed to have no wish to rise; so great was the love and spiritual gentleness I was feeling. Later, several times while sitting near the fire, I felt within me love for the Trinity and the impulse to weep. Later at the house of Burgos,51 and also when in the street (I was out until about 3.30 p.m.), whenever I called to mind the Blessed Trinity, I felt an intense love, and sometimes the impulse to weep. All these visitations had for their object the name and essence of the Blessed Trinity: I did not feel clearly nor see distinct Persons, as I have described occasionally above. All these inspired greater security: I no longer wished to say more masses in order to be further reconciled, but I wanted to complete them – and hoped to find joy in the Divine Majesty.

Mass of the Trinity. No. 10

33. Wednesday [5 Mar.] – Much grace assisting me throughout the customary prayer; it came without my labouring to seek for it: also great devotion, full of light and very clear, with assisting warmth. While I dressed, I thought that the grace and help and devotion to the Blessed Trinity of the past day still continued. Later when I went to make the preparatory prayer before mass, I wanted to gain help – and humility – by first addressing Jesus: the Blessed Trinity appeared a little more clearly and I turned to the Divine Majesty to commend myself, etc. The tears streamed down my face, I broke into sobs and such was the intensity of the love that I felt towards the Trinity that I thought I neither wished nor was capable of looking at myself, or of remembering the past in order to be reconciled with the Blessed Trinity. Later, in the chapel, praying gently and quietly it seemed that at first my devotion had for its object the Trinity, then it took me elsewhere, for example to the Father: in this way I felt within me a wanting to communicate with me from different directions – so that eventually, while arranging the altar, my feelings found voice in the prayer, ‘Where do you wish to take me, Lord?’ I repeated this many times: my devotion increased greatly, drawing me to weep. Later, while I prayed on vesting, I offered myself, very moved and with tears, to be guided and taken etc. through all these stages, wheresoever He might take me, being over me. After I had vested, I did not know where to begin. Then I took Jesus for my guide; I also appropriated to each Person His own prayer; in this way I said a third of the mass receiving considerable grace to assist me, a warm devotion and a great satisfaction of soul. There were no tears, nor (so I believe) any disordered desire to have them: I contented myself with the Lord’s will. However I did say, turning to Jesus, ‘Lord, where am I going, or where … etc? Following you, my Lord, I cannot be lost’. From then on, during the mass, many tears, also good heart and spiritual vigour. The greatest of the visitations had the Blessed Trinity as their principal object, then in lesser degree Jesus, and finally in much lesser degree the Father. On the other hand my confidence about my reconciliation with the Blessed Trinity increased continually – to such a pitch that after mass, while I prayed with tranquillity and rest of soul, on wanting to reconsider the matter to a certain degree, I could not; I was unable to bring myself to see or feel any past disharmony or unpleasantness. I found myself in the state of a tired man52 who rests, his mind tranquil, devout, visited. This repose continued later while I sat by the fire, and on other occasions when I remembered. At night as I prayed to the Father, I did not find it, but there was revealed to me new devotion and impulses, all directed to the Blessed Trinity.

Mass of the Trinity. No. 11

34. Thursday [6 Mar.] – During the customary prayer I had no trouble in finding devotion, but rather the contrary: later it increased greatly, being most gentle and clear with a clarity mixed with colour. After I had dressed I experienced new devotion and the call to even more, all directed to the Blessed Trinity. During the preparatory prayer, I drew closer to the Blessed Trinity, in greater quiet and spiritual serenity; I felt the impulse to greater devotion and almost to weep: I wanted to, but could not, see anything of the past with reference to the reconciliation. In chapel, great quiet devotion: on arranging the altar, the devotion grew with certain feelings or new impulses, as if to weep. Later and on vesting, and I think even before, during the other periods, certain thoughts and queries suggested themselves: ‘What did the Blessed Trinity wish to do with me, that is, by what way would it take me?’ Then as I conjectured on the manner and way they would choose, I wondered to myself and thought that perhaps the Trinity wanted to make me content without visitations of tears, with my not being avid for them nor inordinately attached.

I began mass with an interior, humble satisfaction, and proceeding as far as the ‘Te igitur’,53 continued to experience a very deep and very gentle devotion which at times came most delicately: so softly in my soul as to make me weep. On pronouncing the words ‘Te igitur’, I felt and saw, not obscurely but brightly, in full light, the very Being or Essence of God, appearing as a sphere, a little larger than the sun appears; from this Essence the Father seemed to be going or deriving, so that when I said, ‘Te’, that is, ‘Father’, the image of the Divine Essence came to me before that of the Father. During this representation and vision of the Being of the Blessed Trinity, I could not distinguish or have sight of the other Persons; my devotion to what was being disclosed was very intense and I experienced many impulses and a flood of tears. In the same way, as the mass proceeded, if I considered or remembered or if I saw it anew, the tears flowed copiously and my love for the Being of the Blessed Trinity was greatly increased and very intense: I did not see nor could I distinguish any Persons except that, as I said, I could see the going forth or derivation from the Father.

As I was finishing mass, the tears and spiritual visitations were very abundant; I could see no obstacle to the reconciliation, even though I paid attention. I felt a great security. I could not doubt about what had been shown and seen; rather, when I turned to investigate and reconsider it, I felt new interior impulses, all taking me to love what I had been shown. Indeed I seemed to have more clarity of vision, reaching beyond the heavens, further than anything I might like to think of with my understanding on this earth; all was illuminated for me there, as I have said. After I had unvested and was praying at the altar, once more the same Being and spherical vision allowed itself to be seen: in some way I saw all three Persons as I had seen the first, viz., the Father in one part, the Son in another and the Holy Spirit in another, all three coming forth or having their derivation from the Divine Essence, without leaving the spherical vision. On feeling and seeing this, new impulses and tears. Later when I visited St Peter’s and began to pray before the Blessed Sacrament, the same Divine Being showed itself in image to me, always in the same shining colour, and for my part I could not but see it. Later when I began to attend the mass said by Cardinal Santa Cruz,54 I experienced the same manifestation and vision, accompanied by new impulses of soul. Two hours later I went down to the same chapel of the Blessed Sacrament with the desire of having the same experience as before but, though I sought it, I could not regain it. Later at night, several times while I was writing this, the same manifestation occurred; on this occasion the understanding saw something, though by far the most part was not so clear, nor so distinct, nor as big: it was like a fairly large spark; it represented something to the understanding, or was drawing it to itself, and showed that it was the same.

Mass of the Trinity. No. 12

25.55 Friday [7 Mar.] – I began the customary prayer with considerable devotion; despite my desire I did not adapt myself to increase my devotion by looking upwards. From half-way through my prayer, the devotion was very great and continuous, full of a shining clarity, warm and very gentle; it continued the same after this prayer. Later, during the preparatory prayer, my mind was quiet and recollected: the same in chapel. Later on vesting, new impulses to weep, also to conform myself with the Divine Will that He might guide and carry me etc. ‘Ego sum puer, etc.’56 I began mass with great devotion, internal reverence and impulses to weep. So also when I said, ‘Beata sit sancta Trinitas’,57 and throughout I experienced a new sensation, a fresh and greater devotion and a desire to weep: I did not raise my understanding to the Divine Persons, in so far as they are distinct or to be distinguished, neither did I lower it to the letters in the missal: yet this visitation seemed to be interior, mid-way between their seat on high and the letter.58 Then, as I proceeded step by step with many tears all the time, it seemed to me that I had no permission to look upwards: and my not looking upwards, that is my looking mid-way, caused an increased intensity of devotion and intense tears. The submission and reverence I already possessed for the visions from on high increased. At the same time I gained some confidence that permission would be granted me or that a manifestation would be made to me at the right time. During these periods I felt the visitations in an imprecise way [indiferenter]: they had for their object now the Blessed Trinity, now the Father or Son; at times Our Lady and at others the saints, even individual saints; tears were abundant. Later, when half or more of the mass was said, i.e. after ‘Hanc igitur oblationem’,59 the visitation ceased. At times, I was troubled by the heat of the fire60 with the water thrown on it.

Because I could not find out during the Sacrament, as I wanted to bring the matter to a conclusion, once mass was finished I went over to the fire; for a long time I did not know what to decide, whether I should stop these masses, or when. Later it occurred to me that tomorrow I would say a mass of the Blessed Trinity to find out what I should do, or to finish once and for all. At that I experienced many impulses and tears; and from time to time, during a long period, I continued to receive great impulses, sobs and many floods of tears, all drawing me to a love of the Blessed Trinity, With many colloquies I came to see that if only I would wait, all was ready for ever greater enjoyment of these intense visitations. I humbled myself with the thought that it was not I who should determine when the end was to be; instead I should wait until it was disclosed to me and I had been visited. So I prepared myself resolutely to finish, and to enjoy the enjoyment I should find. The thought struck me, ‘What if God should put me in Hell?’ Two considerations occurred: on the one hand, the suffering I would endure there; on the other, how His name was blasphemed there. As to the first, I could neither feel nor see any suffering in that – and so it seemed to me that I was shown that it would cause me more pain to hear His most holy Name blasphemed. Later, when I sat down to eat, the tears stopped but balancing that a very deep and warm devotion continued throughout the day.

Mass of the Trinity. No. 13

26. Saturday [8 Mar.] – During the customary prayer I had great satisfaction of soul from the beginning to the end, with the growth of a great grace assisting me, and I felt a devotion, clear and full of light and warmth; when I began the preparatory prayer and was in the chapel I had considerable contentment. But on vesting, new impulses that continued to the end together with still greater ones and considerable tears. I was shown a great humility not yet to look up to heaven, and the more I shrank from looking upwards, humbling and lowering myself, the more delight and spiritual visitation did I feel. I began the mass and continued throughout with greater inner devotion and spiritual warmth, not without tears. The devotion and the readiness to weep continued with me. During these periods, even though I intended not to raise the eyes of my understanding upwards and to try to be content with everything (indeed I was imploring that if it were equally to God’s glory He would not visit me with tears),61 nevertheless on the occasions when my understanding unintentionally mounted upwards, I seemed to see something of the Divine Being that at other times, even though I want to see it, is not in my power.

Mass of the day. 2nd Sunday in Lent

27. Sunday [9 Mar.] – The customary prayer was similar to the past. After I had dressed, during the preparatory prayer, new devotion and impulses to weep, directed principally to the Blessed Trinity and Jesus. On entering the chapel, greater impulses, more tears, all directed to the Blessed Trinity, and also, at times, to Jesus; at times the two were united or almost united, in such a way that my having Jesus as the object of my prayer did not diminish my devotion to the Blessed Trinity, or vice versa. This devotion continued until I vested; at times there were tears. Later, during mass, I felt an exterior warmth that was cause for devotion and light-heartedness. There were few movements or impulses to weep, yet I was more content without tears than I had been at times with many tears. I seemed to understand that although I experienced no intuitions, no visions and no tears, in some way God Our Lord wanted to show me a way or manner of proceeding. All day my soul was quite content. At night I found I was turning in devotion to the Blessed Trinity and to Jesus so that they manifested themselves to my understanding, allowing me to catch sight of them in some way. For my part I wanted to adapt myself to the Father, to the Holy Spirit and to Our Lady, but in that direction could find no devotion and no vision. The intuition or vision of the Blessed Trinity and of Jesus continued for a while.

Mass of the Holy Name of Jesus

28. Monday [10 Mar.] – During the customary prayer, considerable devotion especially from the middle onwards. Before the preparatory prayer, I experienced a new devotion: I thought or decided that I should live, or be, like an angel to perform the duty of celebrating mass: very gently some water came to my eyes. Later in the chapel and during mass, devotion for the same reason: I conformed myself to what the Lord commanded, with the thought that His Divine Majesty would supply for my defect, turning everything to good, etc. During these periods I occasionally saw in some way now the Being of the Father, i.e. first the Being and consequently the Father, i.e. my devotion turned first to the essence and then to the Father, now it was otherwise and without such a clear distinction.

Mass of Our Lady

29. Tuesday [11 Mar.] – Throughout the customary prayer I felt great devotion – clear, shining and as though warm. I had tears in chapel, at the altar, and afterwards. My devotion had for its object Our Lady although I did not see her. Throughout mass, devotion; at times impulses to tears. Afterwards devotion once more. During these periods, I partly saw many times the Divine Being, and sometimes with the Father as object i.e. first the essence and then the Father. When in chapel before mass, I seemed to receive something like a permission to turn my glance upwards because it occurred to me that to look upwards was a remedy against my being disturbed by what was low. At that I was moved, and tears came. Later I tried to look upwards and whether I saw anything or not, I found devotion and a remedy against taking my attention too easily from what was my duty all during mass.

Mass of the Holy Spirit

30. Wednesday [12 Mar.] – During the customary prayer considerable devotion: from the middle onwards, the devotion was great, clear and shining, as though warm. In the chapel, as I had seen people coming down the stairs and doing so hurriedly, I was unable to bring myself to say mass. I returned to my room to adapt myself to say it and amid tears recovered my composure. The tears continued as I walked to the chapel and began mass: during part of it, my devotion was considerable and occasionally I felt the impulse to weep. During the other part I was very often battling about what should be done to bring the matter to an end; for I could not find what I sought. During these periods, no signs of visions or intuitions.

After mass and later in my room, I found myself completely bereft of all help, unable to find delight in the mediators, or in the Divine Persons; I felt as remote and separated from them as if I had never felt their influence in the past, or was ever to feel any of it in the future. Instead I was beset by thoughts, now against Jesus, now against another, and quite bewildered with a variety of schemes, to leave the house and hire a room to escape the noise, to fast, to begin more masses, to place an altar upstairs: nothing satisfied me and yet I wanted to put an end to the affair with my soul in a state of consolation and complete satisfaction. At last I considered if I should proceed further. On the one hand, I seemed to be wanting too many signs, and wanting them during certain periods or during masses ending in my own satisfaction; the question itself was clear; I was looking not for more certainty, but for a finishing touch that would be to my taste. On the other hand, I thought that if I were to cease entirely at this juncture, in a state of such exile, later I would not be contented etc. At last I considered whether, as the problem did not concern the election itself, it would please God Our Lord more were I to conclude now without waiting and searching for further proofs, or whether I should say more masses for them. To settle the matter I made an election and felt that to conclude would be more pleasing to God Our Lord. I felt myself wishing that the Lord would condescend to my desire i.e. that I might finish in a time of great visitation. Then as I became aware of my own inclination and, on the other hand, of the good pleasure of God Our Lord, I began to take notice and wanted to follow the good pleasure of God Our Lord.

At that the obscurity began gradually to lighten; tears came. As they increased I lost all desire to say more masses to this end; when it occurred to me to say three masses of the Trinity in thanksgiving, it seemed to me to be a suggestion of the evil spirit. I decided to say no more masses: and then my love for God increased, the tears streamed down my face and I broke into sobs with spasms. I knelt for a long time, then I walked, and once more I knelt, arguing along many, varied and different lines of thought. I felt great internal satisfaction. Although this great visitation (so great that my eyes ached painfully) lasted for about an hour, more or less, at last the tears ceased and I was uncertain if I should conclude at night with a similar flood of tears, if such occurred, or now. Although the flood of tears was over, I thought it best to conclude at once. To seek further and wait for the evening was only to want further proof, when it was not needed. And so I made my declaration before God Our Lord and all the Heavenly Court etc., thus concluding with the matter: I would not proceed further. Even as I made this last declaration, I felt interior impulses, I sobbed and wept; although this was a period of great floods of tears, I considered everything ended, and decided to await no more masses or visitations, but to finish today.

Finished.

When I sat at table, after 1.30 p.m., for a long while the Tempter did not succeed, but pretended to succeed in making me have doubts. Suddenly, yet calmly – as if to a beaten enemy – I said to him, ‘Get to your place’. I was strengthened by tears and a complete sense of security about all I had decided. A quarter of an hour later, I awakened to a new fact; I realized or saw clearly that when the Tempter suggested thoughts against the Divine Persons and Mediators, he was putting, or trying to put, doubts into my mind on the subject; and on the contrary, when I experienced visitations from, and visions of, the Divine Persons and Mediators, all was firmness and confirmation on the matter. This realization was accompanied by spiritual delight, and water came to my eyes: in my soul a great sense of security. When I said grace after the meal, the Being of the Father partly disclosed itself, also the Being of the Blessed Trinity, while I felt a spiritual impulse moving to devotion and tears, such as I had not felt or seen all day, although I had often sought for it. Today’s great visitations had no particular or distinct Person for their object, but in general, the Giver of graces.

PART II

I TOOK THESE FOUR DAYS TO AVOID CONSIDERING ANY POINTS IN THE CONSTITUTIONS

Mass of the day

1st. Thursday1 [13 Mar.] – During mass I conformed my will to the Divine, to have no tears: it would be like a setting aside of my labours and a rest for me if I stopped searching and considering about possessing or not possessing.2 During the rest of the day, my soul felt content and delight.

Mass of the Holy Spirit

2nd. a.l.d.3 Friday [14 Mar.] – Many tears before, all during and after mass, sometimes out of devotion to the Father, at others out of devotion to the Son, at others etc.: so also with the Saints; no vision except in so far as my devotion had for its object at different times now the one, now the other. During all this time, before, during and after the mass, I was inspired by the thought, which penetrated to my very soul, of how much reverence and submission should be shown on going to mass when I had to pronounce the name of God Our Lord, etc. Not tears were to be sought, but this submission and reverence. So convinced was I of this that when tears came, as I repeated acts of submission, before mass – in my room and in the chapel – and during mass, I at once restrained them in order to attend more to submission. As far as I could tell, this realization of the submission due to God Our Lord was not the effect of my own initiative: it always increased my devotion and tears. At length I concluded that this was the way the Lord desired to show me – for during the past days I had thought He intended to reveal something. Indeed, as I said mass, I became more convinced that I esteemed this grace and knowledge more highly for my soul’s spiritual advancement than all the other past graces.

Mass of Our Lady

3rd. Saturday [15 Mar.] – During part of the mass I felt a certain interior submission and reverence; during the greater part nothing to enable me to feel within myself either submission or reverence.

Mass of the day

4th. a.l. Sunday4 [16 Mar.] – Many tears before and throughout the mass; the devotion and tears had for their object now one Person now another, without clear or distinct visions. I prayed in my room before mass for the gifts of submission, reverence and humility; as for visitations and tears, I prayed they might not be given me, if it were equally to the service of His Divine Majesty, or, if they were given, that I might enjoy them with purity of intention – without self-interest. So, later, all my spiritual visitations brought with them this feeling of submission, not only towards the Divine Persons, as I named or remembered them, but even as I bowed to the altar or treated with reverence the other things used at the sacrifice.5 I refused tears or visitations whenever I thought of them or felt the desire for them. In this way I paid attention to submission first – the visitations coming next – because I judged that to do the opposite, i.e. to pay more attention to the visitations than to submission, would be bad. Thus I was of the same opinion as on Friday last, and felt confirmed in it.

HERE I BEGAN MY PREPARATION AND FIRST CONSIDERATION CONCERNING THE MISSIONS6

Mass of Our Lady

1. a.l. Monday [17 Mar.] – Tears before mass and during it, so many that at times I lost the power of speech. All this visitation had for object now one Person, now another, in the same way as the previous day, and with the same effect. It confirmed my previous experience with regard to the submission and reverence, viz. that I had found in these the way I was intended to see. I considered it the best of all ways that I could be shown and felt that I should follow it for ever. Occasionally before mass, as I recollected myself in my room, I felt none of this submission and reverence having any influence or producing relish within me. Indeed I felt incapable of finding it and yet I wanted to possess or find it. Some time later, in chapel, I thought it was God’s will that I should make an effort to search for it, and find it; I failed. And yet to have made the effort seemed a good thing: to actually find was not in my power. Later, the Giver of graces provided me with such abundance of knowledge, visitation and spiritual relish – that mentioned above – tears, continuing for so long (making me lose at times the power of speech), that every time I mentioned God, ‘Dominus’ etc, I seemed to be penetrated so deeply, with a submission and reverent humility so admirable, that they seem to defy description.

Mass of the Holy Name of Jesus

2. a- 1 d-7 Tuesday [18 Mar.] – Tears during mass; before and after mass they were not lacking; all causing submission and reverence.

Mass of the Trinity

3. l.d. Wednesday [19 Mar.] – Many tears throughout mass; the same after mass. During mass I often lost the power of speech: all causing submission and reverence with many interior feelings.

Mass of Our Lady

4. a.l- Thursday [20 Mar.] – Tears before mass, and some during it; also different interior impulses, causing submission.

Mass of the Holy Name of Jesus

5. a-l- Friday [21 Mar.] – Not without some tears before and during mass, causing submission, also some interior impulses.

Mass of the Holy Spirit

6. l.d. Saturday [2.2, Mar.] – Throughout mass, a gentle flow of tears, very copious; the same after mass: before mass I felt the impulse to weep and felt or saw the Holy Spirit Himself; complete submission.8

Mass of the day

7. a.l. Sunday9 [23 Mar.] – Many intense tears before and during mass; all causing submission.

Mass of the Trinity

8. l Monday [24 Mar.] – Tears several times during mass, causing submission.

Mass of Our Lady

9. a l d Tuesday [25 Mar.] – Tears before and after mass; very copious during it; vision of the Divine Being, with the Father as object, in the form of a circle on several occasions,10 all causing submission.

Mass of the Holy Name of Jesus

10. a 1- Wednesday [26 Mar.] – Tears several times during mass; before mass, not without the impulse to tears. Until the Secret11 of the mass, not only could I feel no interior submission, but I could not even find any aptitude that would help me. This led me to infer and recognize that I could not be of any assistance to myself in the acquisition of this submission: when I said the Secret, and after that, I experienced the spiritual visitation which caused submission.

Mass of the Holy Spirit

11. a.l. Thursday [27 Mar.] – Tears before mass; very many during mass; all causing submission; with vision of the Divine Being in the form of a sphere as on other previous occasions.12

Mass of the Trinity

12. a- l. Friday [28 Mar.] – Tears during mass: not without them before mass.

Mass of Our Lady

13. Saturday [29 Mar.] – No tears before or during mass and no sign of them: during the customary prayer I received a special, or rather a most special grace: during the greater part of the mass, I experienced much gentle devotion, as I thought that it was more perfect to be without tears, and to find, like the angels, internal devotion and love; during another part, I felt no less satisfaction than yesterday, or even more.

Mass of the day

14th. a. 1 d Sunday13 [30 Mar.] – Many tears before mass, in my room, in the chapel and as I made my preparation; they were very abundant during mass, continuing throughout; afterwards they were very intense.14 At this period of time it occurred to me that my humility, reverence and submission should be not of a man who fears but of a man who loves. So strongly did this impress itself on my soul that with great faith I said: ‘Give me a lover’s humility’, and so also concerning my reverence and submission. As I said the words, I experienced new visitations. So also I tried to check the tears in order to attend solely to this loving humility, etc. Later in the day I felt great joy when I remembered this. I resolved not to stop there but afterwards to entertain the same sentiment, viz. that of loving humility, etc., towards creatures, unless, on occasions, it were for the honour of God Our Lord to conduct myself differently; as it says in today’s Gospel, ‘Similis ero vobis, mendax’.15During these periods several times I had the vision of the Divine Being in the form of a circle as before.

Mass of the day

15. .l d. Monday [31 Mar.] – Tears during and after mass, causing a loving reverence, etc.; at times I realized that neither love nor reverence, etc. were in my power.

Mass of the day

16. l. Tuesday [1 Apr.] – Many tears during mass, causing a loving humility, etc. It occurred to me that, in order to possess this humility during the sacrifice, it is necessary to profit from it all during the day allowing no distractions.

Mass of the day

17. a.l. Wednesday [2. Apr.] – Tears during the customary prayer, also later in my room, in the chapel and while I vested: very many during mass.16 During these periods I occasionally had the vision of the Divine Being, sometimes with the Father for object by means of that representation of a circle: many intuitions and much new interior knowledge. During periods of greater knowledge, or of greater visitations, I recognized that I ought to be equally content if not visited with tears, and to believe anything to be for the best, according to how God Our Lord acted or willed, visitation or no visitation. At times when I was not enjoying these great visitations, to act in this way seemed to require such perfection that I doubted, or feared, about being able to gain this grace. Later, on another occasion, while enjoying a great visitation, I thought I was finding satisfaction in this, viz. in believing it to be best if I were not visited by God Our Lord; because the reason for not being visited would be either a lack of disposition and preparation on my part some time during the day, or my having permitted thoughts that distracted me from the words of the sacrifice and from His Divine Majesty. In such cases, when I was at fault, I thought it would be better for me to enjoy no visitations: it is for my spiritual profit that God Our Lord (who loves me more than I love myself) arranges things in this way. Thus it was to my advantage to follow the correct course of action not only during the sacrifice, but all during the day, in order to receive visitations. All this was in accord with what had been hinted at the previous day when I had experienced these and similar intuitions, but then they had been so many and so delicate that I have neither the memory nor the understanding to explain or expose them.

Mass of the day

18. Thursday [3 Apr.] – I had no tears before, during or after mass: at the end I felt more content without them and also affection, judging that God Our Lord did this for my greater good.

Mass of the day

19. a.l. Friday [4 Apr.] – Tears before mass; very many during mass, with many intuitions and interior feelings; the same before mass. When one does not achieve a lover’s reverence and submission, one must seek for the submission of one who fears, considering one’s own faults, in order to gain the submission of love.

Mass of the day

20. a.l. Saturday [5 Apr.] – Tears before mass: many tears during mass.

Mass of the day

21. a.l.d. Sunday17 [6 Apr.] – Tears before mass: during the mass, after the Passion, they were abundant and continuous: they led me to conform my will to the Divine; so also, tears after mass.

Mass of the day

22. l. Monday [7 Apr.] – Many tears throughout mass, drawing me to conform my will to the Divine.

Mass of the day

23. l. Tuesday [8 Apr.] – Tears during mass.

24. l. Wednesday [9 Apr.] – Tears during mass.

25. Thursday [10 Apr.] – No tears.

26. [11 Apr.]18

27. [12 Apr.]

Mass of the day

28. l.d. Easter Sunday [13 Apr.] – Many tears during mass; and tears after it.

Mass of the day

29. Monday [14 Apr.] – I felt a great interior and exterior warmth: it seemed to be more supernatural: no tears.

Mass of the day

30. Tuesday [15 Apr.] – No great consolation, nor desolation, no tears.

Mass of the day

31. .l.d. Wednesday [16 Apr.] – Many tears during mass; and tears after it.

Mass of the day

32. a.l.d. Thursday [17 Apr.] – Tears before and after mass; many during it.

Mass of the day

33. l Friday [18 Apr.] – Tears during mass.

Mass of the day

34. a.l. Saturday [19 Apr.] – Tears during and before mass.

35. a.l. Sunday19 [20 Apr.] – Tears during and before mass. I began my preparation.20

Mass of Our Lady

36. a.l. Monday [21 Apr.] – Tears during and before mass. I must begin, because after a few days I left it.

Mass of All Saints

37. a.l.d. Tuesday [22 Apr.] – Tears before and after mass: many and continuous tears during it.

38. Wednesday [23 Apr.] – No tears. From today, inclusive, I left it.21

39. Thursday [24 Apr.] – No tears.

Mass of St Mark

30.22 .a.l. Friday [25 Apr.] – Tears during mass and before it.

Mass of the Holy Spirit

31. Saturday [26 Apr.] – No tears.

Mass of the day

32. .a.l. Sunday23 [27 Apr.] – Tears during and before mass.

Mass of the Trinity

33. .a.l. Monday [28 Apr.] – Tears during and before mass.

34. l Tuesday [29 Apr.] – Tears.

35. l Wednesday [30 Apr.] – Tears.

36. l Thursday [1 May] – Tears.

37. Friday [2 May] – No tears.

38. l Saturday [3 May] – Tears.

39. l Sunday [4 May] – Tears.

40. I Monday [5 May]/ I think I had tears.

41. I Tuesday [6 May]/

42. Wednesday [7 May]/

43. Thursday [8 May]/ I think I had tears

44. Friday [9 May]/

45. l Saturday [10 May] – Many during mass

46. a.l Sunday [11 May] – Tears before mass; very many and continuous tears during mass; the internal loquela24 of the mass seemed even more divinely granted, as I had prayed for it this very day because during the week I had sometimes experienced the external loquela, and sometimes not, but the internal, more rarely, although on Saturday I found it a little more clear. So also during all the masses of the week, although I was not so visited with tears, yet I experienced greater quiet or contentment throughout mass from the pleasure of the loquelas, with the devotion I could feel, than at other times when during part of the mass I had tears. Those tears that came today seemed completely different from all others in the past: they came so slowly, seemed so from within, and were so gentle, without clamour or great impulses. I thought they came from deep inside though I cannot explain it. During the internal and external loquela, I felt wholly moved to the divine love and to the gift of loquela divinely granted; I felt within me a great harmony accompanying the internal loquela, but I cannot express it.

ON THIS SUNDAY, BEFORE MASS, I BEGAN, AND RESOLVED TO CONTINUE WITH, THE CONSTITUTIONS

Mass of All Saints

47. .l d. Monday [12 May] – Many tears during mass; tears also after mass. All these were like those of the previous day. I took great pleasure in the internal loquela; at the same time I found it resembling, or myself remembering, the loquela or music of heaven. My devotion and affection increased and I wept as I felt that when I had these feelings or when I was learning in this way, it was due to God.

Mass of St Sebastian

48. .a.l d. Tuesday [13 May] – Tears before and after mass; very many during mass together with the internal loquela which came in a wonderful manner and was greater than at other times.

Mass of Our Lady’s Conception

49. .a.l. Wednesday [14 May] – Tears before mass and many later during it, while the same internal loquela continued.

Mass of the Holy Name of Jesus

50. Thursday [15 May] – No tears; some loquela; I was disturbed by someone whistling, but was not so greatly disquieted.

Mass of the Holy Spirit

51. a.l Friday [16 May] – Tears before mass, and many during it, together with the loquela.

Mass of the Trinity

52. a.l Saturday [17 May] – Tears before mass; many and continuous during it; with the wonderful internal loquela.

Mass of the day

53. Sunday [18 May] – No tears; some loquela, no bodily strength, and also no perturbation.

Mass of the Litanies25

54.l. Monday [19 May] – Tears and loquela.

Mass of All Saints

55. Tuesday [20 May] – No tears and no perturbation; some loquela.

Mass of Our Lady

56. Wednesday [21 May] – No tears; much loquela.

Mass of the Ascension

57. .a.l. Thursday [22 May] – Many tears before mass both in my room and in the chapel: no tears during the greater part of the mass: there was much loquela. However, I began to have doubts about the pleasure and delight caused by the loquela lest it were due to an evil spirit, seeing that the spiritual visitation of tears had ceased. A little later I thought I was taking excessive pleasure in the tone of the loquela, that is in the mere sound, without paying sufficient attention to the meaning of the words and of the loquela. At once the tears came, very many and very often, so that I realized that I was being instructed in the method I should follow. And I hoped for ever greater learning in the future.

Mass of the Ascension

58. .l. Friday [23 May] – Tears.

Mass of the Holy Spirit

59. Saturday [24 May] – No tears.

40. a.l. Sunday [25 May] – Many tears in my room, and tears in the chapel, before mass: very many and continuous tears during mass, together with the two wonderful loquelas.

Mass of the Ascension

41. l. Monday [26 May] – Tears and the internal loquela during mass.

Mass of the Ascension

42. a.l. Tuesday [27 May] – Tears before mass; also many tears during mass together with the internal loquela which gradually increased.

Mass of the Ascension

43. .a l d. Wednesday [28 May] – Tears before and after mass; many tears and the wonderful internal loquela during it.

Mass of the Ascension

44. a.l.d. Thursday [29 May] – Tears before, during and after mass.

45. Friday [30 May] – No tears.

46. l Saturday [31 May] – Tears.

47. l Sunday26 [1 June] – Tears.

48. Monday [2 June] – No tears.

49. Tuesday [3 June] – No tears.

50. .l. Wednesday [4 June] – Many and continuous tears.

51. Thursday [5 June] – No tears.

52. Friday [6 June] – No tears.

53. Saturday [7 June] – No tears.

There follow 240 similar entries, all very short, covering the period 8 June 1544 to 17 February 1545, when the Diary breaks off. They record the presence or absence of tears before, during and after mass, and add nothing further.

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